Help is a Four Letter Word

When it comes to householder responsibilities 'help' is a terrible four letter word.

When two people in the house have full time jobs, 'shared responsibility' sounds much sweeter to me.

In my writing I try to omit the word 'help' as much as possible.

Co-operative Husbands

I have documented my research that shows we have a real problem on the domestic front.

I have done hundreds of interviews in four different states and every once in a while I have found an anomaly: a woman who says her husband shares the responsibilities. At the moment, I can only think of three such couples.

The men in these well-balanced couples all share one thing in common. They have all done householder work before. Some grew up without girl siblings. Some had parents who insisted on cleaning chores for both sexes. Some had to cook or clean because of family hardship. These experiences automatically made these men aware of what householder responsibilities entailed. They immediately had empathy for their wives and chipped in almost instinctively.

As I have said many times, most men would be happy to co-operate, if they only knew what their wives were going through. They will never know without being an active participant. How can you get your husband to participate? The answer is in my book.

Supportive and Co-operative

It isn't housework itself that cures a troubled marriage.

The husband who shares the responsibilities in the household tends to be viewed as a 'supportive partner.'

The feeling of "We are in this together" is what leads to a better marriage and a better sex life.

VOICE MALE

Neil Chethik, author of 'Voice Male', says that one of the top three causes of discord between husbands and wives is the division of housework.

Men not at Fault

My last post was pretty strong, but true.

However, we women are just as much at fault as men are for not evolving in this area.

Men can have a macho attitudes between peers that makes them not want to even think about change. Women in general sense this and don't want a war on their hands. So they tip-toe around the subject, asking for help a little at a time. Ticking like a time bomb, ready to go off. They finally blow up.

This hasn't solved anything except to play the same old tune the next time co-operation is needed.

Young mothers are not wanting to be slaves any more. They are rebelling. They don't know how to get results, so they leave.

Ladies, don't leave. Stay and help society change its mind set.

Status-Quo

We have evolved in every other area except the double duty, double standard of householder responsibilities.

In an article in the Associated Press, David Crary states that men and women are unequal in household chores but he thinks it's getting better.

Don't tell Jane it's getting better because she would be outraged. She'd cry out, "It's not happening in my house!"

Another part of the article stated that men's housework duties have doubled in the last forty years.

Forty years ago society expected men to do (0) so that may be true.

Getting Co-operation on the Domestic Front

What if our husbands are not doing their part on the domestic front?

We have already discovered that nagging, feeling sorry for ourselves, or being consistently angry doesn't work. And sadly these very actions do nothing to foster our own self esteem.

Why don't we love ourselves enough to know beyond a doubt that we deserve being a partner instead of a slave?

Perhaps then, we will be able to be rational. Then we can lovingly go ahead with a plan to get co-operation.

In my research, I have discovered that without this loving but firm approach, only temporary results are possible.

Still in The Dark

According to Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute: A husband may pay lip service to the notion that times have changed. He may agree that it isn't fair for a wife to work a second shift when she gets home while he pops open a beer, but old ways die hard. On some level a man thinks what society expects him to think: that housework is still woman's work.

As I have said many times, 'We have yet to evolve when it comes to domesticity.'

A Message From Famed Author and Doctor; Scott altzman

You men out there: If you want more sex, pitch in around the house.

That will help her clean out her emotional closet and make more room for you.

Feeling guilty About Divorce

I know there are people out there who have been through a divorce and have certainly felt the hell that followed. These people don't deserve to have to feel guilty about their choice, along with everything else they are going through.

My intention in writing my book was not to make these people feel guilty. There are a lot of divorces that had to happen, and even more that happened because there seemed to be no other way out.

Couples who have been divorced and now are in another marriage are hopefully part of my targeted audience.

My main concern is a young mother with small children who would be trading in one bad situation that could possibly be fixed for (what I consider) a disastrous alternative.

More Stressful

The Journal of Psychosomatic Research states that divorce and separation rank as more stressful than being thrown in jail, being fired from your job, or having a close family member die.

Does divorce make people happy

A report issued by The Institute for American Values suggests that unhappily married adults who divorce were no happier five years after the divorce.

Two thirds of unhappily married people who remained married reported that their marriages were happy five years later.

Even among couples who rated their marriages as 'very unhappy', 80 percent said they were happily married five years later.

WE JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE ROUGH SPOTS.

Happily Married Couples

Dr. John Gottman interviewed a lot of unhappily married couples.

The ones who were happily married had a lot in common with a man he called Dexter.

Dexter said, "When we first moved in we kept the house together, we handled the money together. We also shared cooking and cleaning.

Dr. Gottman also states that husband's have better sex lives when they share the housework.

Note: He didn't say when husband's help once in a while.

If It Doesn't Work Out

On The TV show (Live with Regis and Kelly) the other day, Kelly was marveling at how long a guest had been married.

She said, "My mom and dad are still married, but in those days you stayed married no matter how unhappy you were."

Then she said, "These days people are saying,'If it doesn't work out I will just get a divorce.'"

It sounds so crazy, but this is what I have discovered over and over.

I hope we don't have children while we are 'figuring out if it's going to work.'

Children need their very own mom and dad if at all humanly possible.

Think Twice

If your thinking about getting a divorce, keep this in mind before you do.

when we trade in one man for another, we are trading one man's set of faults for another man's set of faults.

Often we dwell on our husbands short comings, and compare those short comings to another man's good qualities. We need to compare the faults of both.

Chances are a second husband's faults could very easily include that he dislikes your children.

From Prosperity to Poverty

I had a new client the other day who lived in a run down motel, worked at a place for $7.00 an hour and had a daughter who lived this existence right along with her mom.

I did the thing I do best. I began questioning her to discover how she got into this position in the first place. I got an ear full.

Even though I had heard it so many times before, I was still shocked to hear her story.

While she was married, she lived in a big house with a pool and all the amenities. She also had a son. However,he was no longer with her. He had opted to live with his dad because his dad was the one with the money.

Her reason for divorcing; She and her husband both had full time jobs, she kept everything up on the home front, while her husbands domestic deeds were non existent. His off time was spent golfing, fishing, and mountain climbing when he wasn't watching TV.

She told me that she knew she should have been able to do it all, she just couldn't handle it.

It was her turn to get an ear full, to no avail.

She was so matter-of-fact about her dire situation, it was eerie.

Stories like this are the reason my book had to be written.

I

A Magical Transition Still at PLay

When I was down with my eye My darling husband did all the housework, cooked all the meals, did all the dishes, washed clothes, scrubbed floors, vacuumed every day, changed beds washed sheets and put all the cloths away. He waited on me hand and foot, fed me breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed, when needed, and took care of the grand kids when they came.

Before I went on strike, this man didn't lift a finger to do anything domestic.

I have a client my age who was sick a couple of months ago. When I asked her if her husband helped her through it she said, "Absolutely not, he could do nothing but ask when I was going to be better." then she added, "He was a nervous wreck until I could get back on my feet and be the family slave again."

I hear more stories like this than I can count.

Computer Problems

I was absent from my blogging for a couple of months because of my eyes and ironically soon after I returned my computer crashed.

Well, I have my computer back so hopefully I can be consistent from now on.

Splitting Emotions In Half

In my opinion, divorce should never be an option when you have children, (except on rare occasions,) because divorce doesn't necessarily constitute happiness.

When children are forced into a divorced situation their emotions are forever split in half. Children never stop trying to decide who's right and who's wrong, and who's side they are on at any given time.

In my research, I have discovered that not only are emotions split where the parents are concerned but sibling fights erupt over who is on who's side at different intervals.

When two people are considering divorce my guess is that they are completely unaware of what they or their children are going to be in for.

Our children do not deserve to go through the hell that a divorced situation so often puts them in.

If The Police Are Always Involved it Can't be Good

Yesterday there was a news report about a woman who shot and killed her ex-daughter in-law. When the policeman was interviewed he said "This is so sad, and you would never believe how many calls we get in divorce situations, the number is astronomical."

When two people get divorced the thought never crosses their mind that maybe one of them will never go along with the divorce decree.

From what I have seen with divorced friends, relatives, clients or any couples I hear of or come in contact with, nothing ever goes smoothly.

Police are called frequently, and children become the victims again.

If we could only foresee all of this before choosing the option of divorce.