Flood

Our water heater broke and we were swimming around in our basement for a few days.

Not litterally but it was pretty bad.

Everything is finally back to normal. Whew!

One problem for Another

A young mother was in my salon complaining about having three children under the age of five. A husband who did absolutely nothing to help her.

She said, "If this is what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life, I'm getting out."

She was determined.

I explained to her that she still had her kid's, and if she married someone else she would have the same problem because she never learned how to fix it.

I said, "Let's learn how to fix it."

It will take a while but we are going to do just that.

Phsychologist's point of view

Dr. John Gottman States that he found in his practice with couples, that women find a man's willingness to do housework extremely erotic.

He goes on to say that when a husband is not doing his share, the resentment and seething silence can grow to the extent that it could lead to divorce.

Women's Conference 2010

The 31st annual Women's conference is going to be Friday, April 9, 2010.

The Morning Keynote speaker is Joann Arnold; Author and Artist, from St. George, Utah.

The afternoon Keynote speaker is Brooke Walker; co-host of KSL's Studio 5 TV program.

Joann Arnold, Lora Akers and I have also been tagged to host a workshop on writing and publishing.

We have been at the planning stage for the Conference for quite some time and I think we may just about have it wrapped up.

Car Accident

Morgan didn't get off as well as we thought. Tests showed; severe whiplash, concussion, fractured knee and water on the other knee and her memory isn't that great. The MRI is today so we will find out more about why it hurts her to walk.

She is alive! That is a plus.

Car Accident

My granddaughter Morgan was coming home from Colorado on I70 where the speed limit is 75. She fell asleep, went off the guardrail. She went airborne down the embankment to where she bounced a couple of times and landed right side up. The car was totaled but she didn't get a scratch. Every inch of her body will be aching for a long time and I hope she has learned her lesson. Never drive sleepy and have your passenger stay awake. I am so thankful to have her basically unscathed. The police officer said she should be dead.

Lopsided

When you send a book out to an agent, you have to write a query letter. This letter tells a little about the book and predicts its audience. In my query I had to explain why there was a need for my book and books like mine.

My answer was 'Because couples with small children are divorcing at an alarming rate.' It could be because the husband is having an affair. It could be because the young mother is too exhausted, too angry and resentful to go on.

The bottom line is this: in most cases the husband has too much free time on his hands while the wife has no free time.

My book shows that it is easier to level the playing field than to get a divorce.

Answer to Rhionna

If your husband doesn't want to listen when you include him in the language, do it anyway. There is more of a chance he will come around in the future if he is included as a partner.

My older blogs have a lot of tips that may help.

Women's conference

Well, since I gave a speech at the women's conference last year, I somehow got elected to be on the board forever more.

This year two authors besides myself will give a writing and publishing workshop.

It will be fun to work with both of them.

Accept Him as He is

As you want him to accept you as you are, accept him as he is and try to 'not' make your cleaning standards his.

Tip of The Day

Include him in every aspect of your marriage and parenting.

Do not refer to the kids as 'my' kids, the house as 'my' house, or the kitchen as 'my' kitchen.

How can a husband take ownership if your language excludes him?

Don't Blame Him

Remember how you reacted to other parents before you became one?

You were in the grocery store and saw some mother with her kids. One of the toddlers had jam on her face, maybe the other one had a runny nose.

Remember how inept you thought that parent was? You, in your infinite wisdom, thought you would know exactly how to handle every parental situation. You even thought you would NEVER let your future children out of the house without spit-shined faces and freshly washed clothes. Come on, you thought, it can't be that hard.

Then you had kids and realized it was all harder than you had expected.

Your husband criticizes because he doesn't really have kids...at least he never has to deal with the jam and the runny noses and the dirty clothes.

Don't blame him when he criticizes. You once had those same thoughts, before children thrust you into reality. The more you let your husband parent, the less he will criticize.

Be Specific

If you want co-operation on the domestic front:

Be specific and expect results!

Your husband doesn't know what "You have to help me" means.

Does it mean help carry in the groceries? Does it mean follow you around and help with everything? Does it mean something in between?

Be specific.

Tell your husband, "Honey, I would really like it if you helped me carry groceries in from the car every time I get home from the store."

Men are far more willing to help with a specific task, but when "Help!" is an ongoing command, they just shut down.

Be specific and expect results.

Tip of The Day

When you are negotiating household responsibilities, consider lowering your standards on how your husband does his part.

Pick an area you can really let him handle on his own. It should be one you'll be comfortable with for the rest of your life if he does things his way. For example, if your husband says he'll do his own laundry, this is great. It's going to impact him if he doesn't get it done quickly, not you.

However, if he offers to clean the kitchen sometime after dinner but before midnight, this might make you feel a little too crazy. You might want to keep this chore for yourself.

Whatever responsibilities you both negotiate as his, let him have them! They can only be his if he can take pride in what he accomplishes.

And don't nag! Don't be his mother, or his teacher or his critic.

If he forgets to do his own chore, just accept that. In the end he will deal with the failure and ultimately be proud of the success.

Perfect Madness

Judith Warner, author of 'Perfect Madness' stated that after speaking to 150 women all over the country she discovered that the householder inequality that she saw in her own city was a nationwide epidemic.

My research showed the same thing.

Dr. Warner said women told her of their exhaustion, depression, resentment and frustration with their husbands.

One woman said she sobbed to her husband, "I can't do this any more."

Her husband said he wanted to help but he didn't know how.

That's why we need to learn how to communicate effectively with our spouses and divide the householder work once and for all.

Little Things

Practice, practice practice letting the little things pass.

You will need all of his attention and a fresh ear(one that isn't clogged up with petty things)to get the important issues solved.

Compromise

Compromise; it is his house too. If a man's home is his castle, what kind of a castle do you think it would be if he were told on a regular basis how to live in it?

If you are a clean freak and he isn't, compromise. It is his house too. Let him enjoy his house when he is in it.

Research

Research coming out of the University of Kentucky shows that when both husbands and wives report that duties are fairly divided in their household, the results are profound:

Wives and husbands are less likely to have affairs.

Fewer consider separation or divorce.

More couples report overall happiness.