TV interview

I missed a day of blogging because I was in Salt Lake for a graduation, then yesterday, June 5, 2009 I had to film a segment for a program on TV.


The interview went real well. We talked about what expectations new brides and grooms should have when they are first married.


All too often couples have so many stars in their eyes, they don't seem to prepare themselves for the 'real life' that follows a wedding.


The reason I was there was to give a perspective on the reality of domestic responsibilities. All of the fallout that permeates through the marriage when it isn't addressed in the beginning. Resentment, hidden anger, a feeling of not being respected on the part of the wife, and a dwindling sex life are just a few of the problems they will face.



When we were off camera I jokingly told all of them the translation of "No, I have a headache." I said, " That statement really means (how dare you ask for sex, when all you do is treat me like a slave, you think I am going to do all the work in the house, take care of the kids, make sure you are all fed, then gleefully wrap my arms around you and want to make mad passionate love? NOT ON YOUR LIFE.")


One of the camera men at the shoot had been through the not enough intimacy situation and came to the conclusion that doing his share of the household duties made a big difference. I wanted to interview him to find out how he came to this conclusion. He said I could call him anytime. I needed to know how he was brought up, if he came from a single parent home or if his father was a helpmate at home. These little things would help me understand how he figured this out on his own and help me with the research for my next book.


One of the things that surprised Dr. Liz was how many times I had heard "if it doesn't work out I'll just get a divorce."


When I was asked what advice I would give young couples getting married, I said, "the first thing I would say is to be sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this person because if there is a divorce in your future, especially if children are involved, you will not be prepared for the hell that will follow."


I talked about the fact that when two men become roommates, they decide going in who will be responsible for what. The same thing happens when two women become roommates. Now we are going to have a man and wife who are going to be roommates, so I said, "to make it work, pretend you are roommates moving in together and sit down and print out exactly who should be responsible for what, (for a life-time), and stick to it."


Another bit of advice was to consider your marriage a job to work on every day in order to keep it fresh and together, and to never take each other for granted.

The interview lasted for about 45 minutes. It was very enjoyable.

Family hair day and a call from Dr. Liz

I am exhausted this morning from doing 7 family members hair in an afternoon. Everybody was so excited, one grandchild wanted a special kind of streaking, one wanted her whole color and cut changed, all the others just had their hair cut and streaked.


The joy I got in witnessing the interaction of daughter-in-laws and almost all of my grandchildren was exhilarating. They enjoyed each other so much,It was like they were having a party and I was part of it.

In the middle of the madness at the Salon, I get a call from Dr. Liz Hale telling me where to go for my interview. I told her how much more I had discovered since I wrote my book.

She said, "you have something big here Sherri. You have started a movement that is not going to stop, people need this, I see it in my practice all the time."

I know this to be true. Clients who formerly wanted to discount how lopsided the domestic duties were, are now admitting how bad it is. They are screaming for change, afraid for their kids and grandkids and desperate for me to get my book published.

One client I had yesterday said she thought the original denial came because we all collectively thought we are alone. The only ones who couldn't get co-operation, and we are embarrassed to admit it. She is right, I am discovering that more and more all the time.

Debilitating illness

My last client last night was a beautiful 26 year-old girl. She has three beautiful children and she has been diagnosed with a debilitating disease.

As I was cutting her hair she started to sob and asked me about my book. She said she could hardly get out of bed in the morning and her husband would not lift a finger to help with the kids or the house. She said she was afraid for her kids, that they were used to a nice clean house and now it was filthy because she couldn't do it any more.

She said, "How many times do I have to scream at him to get him to listen? He just doesn't care."

I don't know her husband, so I have no idea if he does care or not. My guess is that he does. What I could be sure of was what I told her: "He has no idea how hard it is to take care of three kids and a house. No man does until he does it for himself."

I told her to leave the kids home with him. His mother (their babysitter) should take her to the doctor out of town. This would help the man experience the challenge of taking care of three little kids and a house, and maybe win her some empathy. However, I think my advice fell on deaf ears because she was so stressed.

She cried the whole time she was there and told me she was so angry she thought she would get a divorce.

You can imagine how I responded to that.

I told her that divorce was the last thing she needed. It would be incredibly stressful. Her insurance would be gone, and she definitely needed her husband's paycheck now more than ever. That may sound like a crazy thing to consider, but is so true. Imagine going through the stress of a divorce and a medical problem with no insurance and no money. The practical things have got to be considered.

I told her to get marriage counseling as soon as possible. I was so afraid that if she didn't try to improve her marriage, a husband who was as disconnected from her as this one seemed to be just might leave her when her illness got worse. I didn't tell her that, but I have seen it happen.

I said a little prayer for her as she left and wished I could have helped her more. I told her to call me any time she wanted.

I felt so bad for this girl. Even though I've learned a lot about how to save marriages, results don't happen overnight. Time was not on her side.

Grandchildren

I am trying to squeeze everybody in for appointments at the Beauty Salon Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday because I am going to be gone Thursday and Friday. Then I get a text message from my granddaughter asking if I would have time to do all of the girls' hair.

Isn't that how it always works out? Last week I would have been able to work them in easily. However, this is my blessing in life. I have a profession that makes it possible to see my teenaged grandkids on a regular basis, when otherwise they wouldn't have time to come around much.

I am not going to mess it up; I would do their hair at midnight if I had to. They are wonderful kids and they are my joy.

Wonderful husband

After Dr. Liz Hale called about the interview on TV, I had a discussion with my husband about what we were going to talk about. Dr. Liz had said she wanted my husband to be part of the discussion this time. (On Studio 5, I was the only one interviewed.) I asked him what he wanted to say about the division of householder responsibilities and how he felt about it.


He said, "I don't do that much."


He really does do plenty. He cooks, he cleans, he waits on me as much as I wait on him and he does all of the yard work. I reminded him of what it was like in the beginning, "You did absolutely nothing in those days," I said.


He couldn't believe how much he left to me back then, and how much happier our whole marriage had become after the strike.

Divorce is hell

Well, I'm back at my blog after a few months. Since I blogged last, I have had to attend court for a divorce case, and I am even more determined than ever to get the word out that divorce hurts every one, husbands, wives, both sets of in-laws, grandparents and most of all the children. The meanness and hate that permeates between the parents, no matter how discreet, plummets down on the children like a wrecking ball, and the parents are in too much pain to recognize it. So the children just suffer in silence.

So much for my rant. Dr. Liz from Studio 5 called yesterday and wants my husband and I to be on her show next Friday. She wants us to talk about the book I wrote, "I Was Going to Divorce My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead." I have to go to a graduation in Salt Lake City Thursday so I had my Friday all filled up with appointments. I have such a wonderful clientele that they all changed for me. After all, an interview is too important to pass up, so we will see how it goes..

Women's Conference

I was a speaker at the College of Eastern Utah Women's Conference yesterday because of my book, I Almost Divorced My Husband, but I Went On Strike Instead.

My speech was on the fact that the division of house-holder responsibilities has never been addressed in our society. That this is a fixable area that enables our children to be raised under the same roof with both parents. That so many people have gone through divorce and ended up in subsequent marriages with the same problem because they never learned how to fix it.

I didn't go into my strike and contract during the speech but had to address it all the same. At the end of my speech a hand went up and everyone wanted to know about the strike: why, how, how long it lasted. They all wanted to know when my book was going to be out.

It was a large enthusiastic crowd and I can't wait until the next one. I would do it again in a heart beat.